mushy boy shit
1:50 p.m. on 2007-06-25
we were sitting on the edge of monas crusty bed joking about something. smoking weed, lauphing.
he stops looks at me and says " no really, i love my girls. your one of my girls you know. you and my daughter are my girls".
he hasnt said "it" again, not staight up like i just love you.
and i dont have the balls to say it to him. even though i feel it. i feel it so strong i choke on it every time i look in his eyes. such pritty eyes.
i never intended this to happen.
it started with a drunken fuck. then another and another.
then i got knocked up.
and he stuck around.
he comes and spends slow days with me while im stuck on an iv drip.
he cant seem to keep his hands off of me. and most of the time thats fine. just fine with me.
people must think i have lowered my standards.my sister does.
sure he's married, an x-con, didnt graduate high school, has three kids, an x-gang member still has the tatoos.
but all of that doesnt change the way he makes me feel inside.
how it hurts to see him walk out my door. how i cry with my sunglasses on because im so happy when he is with me.
mybe its the hormones, mybe the lack of med or the baby. i dont know but im so overwhelmed by him. and i hate that we cant be together all of the time.
i just want to sleep next to him,wake up to him and cook him breakfast. tell him i love him love him love him.
enouph mushy shit. really it doesnt even sound like me. such a cynic that i am.
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