how can you put it into so few little words
6:52 p.m. on 2007-07-05
i hate this diaryland account. hate hate hate it.
but its the only place i write where no one really knows me, like in real life. i thinking of starting a new account, but old habits die hard.
im reading " a million little pieces" again. this time though its toupher to get through. because because of my drug use, my abuse my bull shit.
shame.
its a little word. but it rules my days.
he talks alot about crack in the book. and though i never really got hooked on the shit, thank god, some really bad shit happened to me when i did do it.
and those two night, mostly the one haunt me.scare me, kill me.
i dont want to think about it, tell anyone what happened relive it. but it just runs over and over in my head.
i scream stop run no
but its still there, in my fucking mind.
i wish i could reach in and rip it out. that it never happened.
because its all my fault and i put my self there and it never would have happened if i wanst stupid and addicted to meth and trying to destroy myself.
and now here i am.
fucking pregnant and depressed and alone and reliving the terror over and over.
i want to cut, die, starve, drink, smoke drugs.
get away from these demons that live in my skin.
i feel so fucking trapped.
i am trapped, i have no way out.
and what if i tried to kill myself and it didnt work and i ended up hurting or killing my baby.
what the fuck would i do then.
i know i cant live this way.
im so full of fear and shame im choking on it .
god im crying again.
it happends more everyday.
and im not going back on fucking pills.
for the first time i feel alive, the first time in ten years. and i dont want that taken from me.
but i dont want to live this way either.
oh man what a plan suicide. its not that much different from mine own affairs.
i fucking hate this.
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